Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i think we due a bad spell of wether

   I had all kinds of plans for today but then I heard Rump Shaker on the radio and now all I wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom.

   On the day that daylight saving time begins. Every husband should have sex with their wife at 1:55am this way the wife can't complain about it only lasting ten minutes

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Cake are square.

   I know I'am a man and not a mouse. If I were a mouse my wife would be afraid of me.

   Hey Hillary...We do not want to see your food that you and Bill eat.

   [a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean] Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

   The lottery, except it’s my Thanksgiving table wondering who will get the stuffing with my wife’s hair in it.

   The secret ingredient to my green bean casserole is taking my shirt off when I bake it

   excuses are like farts.... anyone can make them but nobody likes them

   Just cleaned out my friends list and for the first time in my life I finally know what they meant in Auld Lang Syne when they wrote "Should old acquaintances be forgot, and never brought to mind"

   I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

   Going in like Rambo. No sanitizing wipes and I'm headed into wally world....

   Cough, Through, Though, Rough... none of these words rhyme. But for some reason, Pony and Bologna do...

   Tom Brady leaving the patriots. He must’ve rubbed Kraft the wrong way

   Been on a new diet that seems to be working for me called "I better not eat too much as I'm trying to conserve what little toilet paper I have the hoards didn't get" diet.

   No quarantine has all five: – ur partner – balcony / garden – pasta – quiet neighbours – hi speed wifi

   1st Cannibal: Should I boil this missionary? 2nd Cannibal: Don’t be silly – that’s a friar!

   Have a toke, it's not peer pressure, it's just your turn man

   I randomly changed all the contact names in my phone. However, I can't remember who they actually are. So far today, I've been texted by Willy Wonka, Spongebob Squarepants, Charlie Sheen, Nancy Pelosi and Jerry Springer.