Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

   I miss the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...

   I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)

   How does justin bieber remove a condom? He farts.

   I avoid "online dating sites" because they match you up with people who share your interests and I don't want to go out with a weirdo.

   enjoying a great drinking game - I'm watching ESPN and taking a drink every time a player says "you know" during an interview.

   a lesbian trapped in a mans body.....

   finally understood reality is an illusion. It is created by the lack of alcohol...

   if you put pictures of lost kids on Beer Cans instead of Milk Cartons we'd find them in about 15 minutes

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the a$$hole for tripping him??

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   My ceiling fan has three settings: -- very slow -- Medium ,, and --I'm about to fly off the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

   Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct

   Bald people shouldn't wear polo neck jumpers. They just end up looking like a roll-on deodorant

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks so cool, hanging from my car's rearview mirror :)

   Please give your Mother's an Extra Big Hug tomorrow for those who can no longer hug theirs here on earth... Cherish the Moment.

   I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Lean Cuisines and cats.

   The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself

   Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?

   Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation,, even if I'm not sure what it means