Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only appropriate time to yell out "I HAVE DIARRHEA!", is when you're playing scrabble. Because it's worth a whole load of points.

   Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

   I stopped listening somewhere around the third grade.

   So today I think I'm going to entertain my kids with a good game of duct, duct, tape.

   Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"

   If you're going to call your wifi network "Wireless", at least have the courtesy to make the password "password"

   thinks its time to clean out the handbag, I just put it on the passenger seat of my car and the seat belt light came on!

   wishes he could delete people in real life as fast as he can his facebook friends.

   When someone says, "Facebook is stupid." what they really mean is "I don't know how to use a computer."

   Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   Seriously folks, only go in the fast lane if you know how to use it. If you have 2 or more cars directly behind you, you obviously aren't using it correctly.

   Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoevre, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

   I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like "It wasn't that hard."

   The new Def Leppard Rock Band game is such a rip off. It only came with one drum stick.

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   Sooo, the real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need? Now that's the Christmas spirit!