Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

   jumping as high as possible so he can take a sneak peek of Friday's preview.

   "If my life had a face.............I would PUNCH it!!"-Greg Thomas

   definitely prefers to be the gobblee than the gobbler... I'm stuffed.

   These E*Trade babies probably annoy everyone in the bar when they play Golden Tee.

   It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs because they take things literally

   We lost Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson today. They say celebrity deaths always happen in threes. Let's hope we don't have a third one. Hey, two out of three ain't bad, right?

   From what I've read, Jesus never had a problem with gay people. He also never wore pants.

   Donald Trump in 2008: "Well, I know Hillary Clinton and she'd make a good president or good vice president." Then why does Trump support corrupt people?

   Q: Is there intelligent life form on planet Earth? A: Only in a few areas.

   A heart felt "Thank You" for the birthday wishes Due to sanitary reasons, I will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras

   Trump reveals his medical records. They include Dr. Dre, Dr. Hook, and the Spin Doctors.

   My First Question In Hell: What do you mean there's no ketchup and no ice water?

   Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who can build a giant wall for cheap.

   NETFLIX Bird Box about an English ladie's privates?

   The cashier asked if I'd like my milk in a bag to whom I replied "No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container."

   No matter how much you shake your peg...... The last drop always goes down your leg.

   Did you hear. DEMI LOVATO New song? Sober not Sober

   Since 1/20/17 I feel like I'm in the 1988 movie "The Live" and I'm one of the few people with a pair of the sunglasses.

   It’s so cute when billionaire philanthropists donate less than 1%. Bless their hearts.