Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HA ... The Government says that 93 Million people are out of work but yet say that Unemployment is only at 5% ..... The total population of the US is 325 Million so I guess they're using Common Core Math to arrive at that result.

   Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.

   OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.

   Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

   This gallon of ice cream is a new flavor called, "Get Your Own."

   According to every arcade in the world, 'AAA' and 'ASS' are the most common initials

   Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.

   Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...

   That weird moment when you're at a friend's house and they're getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog....

   I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.

   I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.

   I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor

   I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....

   My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.

   The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.