Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 527 of 6385
Wants to find something else for my dryer to eat besides one of every sock.
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06-29-2010 03:11 by Corey C
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ya ever notcie that the most comfortable one can be in bed is always one minute before you have to get up?
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07-09-2010 16:23 by Yaj
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If you're starting a sentence with "not to sound like a b*tch," guess what you're going to sound like...
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07-30-2010 14:54
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Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!
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08-09-2010 17:19
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Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.
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08-17-2010 12:47
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Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.
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08-19-2010 16:24
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When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."
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08-19-2010 16:34
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I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.
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04-13-2010 00:59 by jdpower
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walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In Morse code
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04-23-2010 10:58 by Dave
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Criticism is the best sign you're onto something.
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05-10-2010 14:06 by Joser
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"I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"
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06-08-2010 18:05 by Danmanz
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There are only 3 steps to sleeping with alot of women. 1). Have your own place. 2). Have a bar in your place 3). HAVE NO STANDARDS
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06-22-2010 12:01 by Tracy
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If there is a window of opportunity ... why the hell does it knock? Shouldn't it be a door? No wonder so many people miss opportunities. They answer the door, not the window.
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01-20-2010 13:41
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Would if he could: Change his relationship status to "Pimpin'...and it's complicated"
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01-30-2010 13:20
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If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
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02-06-2010 06:37 by MG
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If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!
I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".
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03-11-2010 17:15 by kg~ohyaya
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Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.
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03-12-2010 09:39
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When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...
If this past life dictating the stuff that happens to you is true, I really think that the previous life should leave an apology note or something. "Sorry dude but during this life, I did a lot of sh!t that's going to bite you in the @ss. Heads up."
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09-07-2010 00:17
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