Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.

   when judging someone for falling down remember someday you may need them to help you up.

   I whip my hair back and forth is probably the most depressing song for bald people

   FOR SALE: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

   Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather SH!T in my hands and clap!"

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Twitter: What's happening? Facebook: What are you thinking? MySpace: Where is everybody?!

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.

   The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."

   Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist...

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.

   I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.

   My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."