Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lance Armstrong admits to cheating. Can you believe the ball of that guy?

   Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.

   Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

   Strangly enough we will need China to finance us in our war against them ! Crazy thing is they will probably do it !

   One man's hoe is probably another man's hoe too.

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   Smile. It's easier than explaining why you're sad.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   If state farm was like a good neighbor they would had plowed my driveway today for me.

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......