Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......

   I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

   Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   I have Started a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there

   I know it's the 100th year anniversary of Titanic and all that but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   FACT: Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business

   People who take pictures of them with tons of money and post them on Facebook…………. have no money.