Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day.

   Now all my friends are smoking crack and falling in vomit at McDonald's....appears to be an epidemic and spreading fast!

   The Good news is that now Tokyo Drift is only the SECOND worst thing to happen to the F&F Franchise.

   "Awe crap" ~ The first thing that goes through your head when "Michael has commented on your status" pops up in your phones notification bar.

   Women - your mouth can get you into a lot of trouble, but it can get you out of a hell of a lot more trouble.

   I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.

   And that was the last time I confused Clorox cleaning sheets with baby wipes.

   It's a sick world where Paul Walker can die in an auto accident and Bieber walk away with a bad singing career... and breathing.

   Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again? That happens to me all the time.

   My boyfriend is such a treasure, I just want to bury him.

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   Automatic flushing toilets are the premature ejaculators of bathroom fixtures.

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   DO you know why I make noise?! Because I want to let you know how much I'm an a$shole.

   If there's no morning sex, don't wake me up.

   The ATM is a REAL MAN! He never borthers to ask you crap questions like "Why did you take out this much?" "Buying useless sh t again?" or "$500 at 3AM Saturday? Don't tell me it's for piano lessons again!"

   Fish tanks are supposed to be soothing? My fish have seen me naked! I think my fish need a fish tank in their fish tank.

   Some of these girls are getting big headed over the hundreds of likes they are getting on their FB pics from all the thirsty and unemployed guys out there. I know they are unemployed because working men are too busy at their jobs to be stalking anyone.