Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   I'd say we're only a year or so away from somebody getting murdered for denying access to a phone charger.

   my phone says it still isn't snowing. Has anyone checked outside?

   The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.

   The best way to avoid getting fired is to avoid getting hired.

   Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless you're on a diet.

   the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut

   They say you should drink 8 glasses of water a day but honestly you can drink one a day and be fine just don't do cocaine

   Hearing you moan is the sexiest sound ever, even if it just involves you awkwardly eating nachos

   I think my 6 year old figured out he can get whatever he wants when I'm distracted with Facebook. Anyone know where I can get a pet Ewok?

   If you don't post a picture of your food, does it still get eaten?

   "Hey, no budging in line" - Prince Harry

   I make my decisions like I make love. I don't, because I'm married.

   That moment when you have just realized that someone had just left you with one square of toilet paper on the roll.

   Loving someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t as bad as trying to eat something immediately after brushing your teeth.

   Don't be that guy who all the women keep running away from on the dance floor.

   Homeland is a really good series if you’ve been having trouble sleeping.

   Take advantage of being a woman by bursting into tears during any sort of intense negotiations.

   People who confuse then & than Remember this... I'd rather kill you, then eat a cheeseburger

   Arriving 5mins after the liquor store closed has taught me all I need to know about why people inexplicably jump in front of freight trains.