Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "All I asked was for a sandwich and a BJ"....... - My Tombstone

   What do I have to do to get sent to your room?!

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   This dream is just beginning. Please let me sleep.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.

   I renamed my Ancestry.com file folder to Edit DNA to mess with archaeologists in the future...

   Kimye.......................In other news there is still a plane missing folks!!

   I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.

   I am just here spooning my girlfriend out of her container. Eating Ice cream

   My internet goes out more than I do

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.

   I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall

   Turned up at the golf and everyone is wearing apple bottom jeans, and boots with the fur. I'm at the Flo Ryder Cup by mistake.

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   Due to the fact that I rarely get more than 2 trick or treaters, I buy candy that I like and give them a can of pork n beans!

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   May order Greek delivery for dinner tonite. Plan to just tell the driver what I'm prepared to pay.....