Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   Boycott Cheerios

   If Michael Sam beats his wife, will he get fired too. Equal Opportunity my ass.

   Does anyone know what these big patches of greenish shaggy stuff all over the ground is??? CREEPY!

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?

   Once I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". I almost drowned that day.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   can people who are paralysed from the waist down fart?

   [variation] Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of accidentally dropping your ice cream.

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. Here's my number, I'm very lazy. Your dog resembles Patrick Swayze. Do you like daffodils? I'm craaazy

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again yesterday. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   I've never been in relationships. I prefer to call them 'momentary lapses in judgement'.

   Rumors: Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

   Does anyone know the rule for when the cripple guy at your company dies who gets his parking spot?

   As is evidenced by the primaries, Americans are either dumb or dumber

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they aren't really true Trump supporters.

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......