Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SWAG : Some Wizards Are Gay - Albus Dumbledore

   "I eat what I want and never get fat" - people I hate

   Studies show that California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression....It's a sad State of affairs.

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   If you ever Google Gary Oldman FFS dont forget the "R" !!!!

   I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

   When I was your age...I was your age.

   I dont ask much of my women, just call me Daddy and do everything I say.

   Girlfriend- I hate you when your stoned. Me- I hate you when i'm not.

   OMG, I just got a bad headache, chills and I just threw up...I haven't the flu..my radio played a Taylor Swift song.

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".

   I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   I want start up my own towing company in Iraq and call it "Camel Towing".....

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...

   76 Chinese Medals... imprint on back ....Made in China... Coincidence...I think NOT!

   My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.

   I bet men with "Chest!cles" really hate singing ♪♫ "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."♪♫

   Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.

   Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was g@y