Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   HR says I am allowed to dress up as a pirate for the office Halloween party but I am not allowed to try to plunder booty, even if it is mighty fine booty....this organization has too many rules.

   There is no "non creepy" way to compliment hot girl's feet

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   "LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically shouts out, “You’ve made a fool of me and yourself.” :))

   ASome people actually believe that the only thing their tax dollars go to is food stamps. Bahahahahah

   I don't get why girls get mad when men only want them for their bodies. Their brains are just filled with tons of knowledge about shoes.

   Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

   Fun fact: the person who said "If you love something let it go" died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

   there anything worse than being on vacation, and your copy of Enter The Dragon won't play because of a scraaaaatch????

   It's not my fault my kids turned out like they did. I was never around!

   What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea.

   "At least Trump is entertaining." - people who entertain themselves by pulling the wings off of butterflies

   I just swiped left on someone based solely on the fact her name was Susan.

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.

   So yesterday I planed on having an average day but The lady at the Dunkin' Donuts told me to have a good day. Let's hope she doesn't say that today I can't keep up with that kind of pressure p