Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   i feel bad that you have to deal with yourself

   I put my phone on airplane mode, and Siri asked me if I had ever been in a Turkish prison.

   Why is it a serial killer could be chasing a person thru the airport and no one would even bat an eye

   A moment of silence for everything I have to do but am not doing.

   It's so cold out the Town Flasher was caught describing himself to women.

   HD p0rn so clear, you can see her financial crisis.

   "all dressed up and nowhere to go" atheist tombstone

   All I'm saying, ladies, is if you're looking for a guy how about collecting snacks instead of cats.

   What do you mean there's no attendant in rest area bathrooms? Then who was the guy that held my pen*s while I peed and vigorously shook it?

   A woman who was shopping at my store today called me a "Living Doll"..okay she actually called me Chucky, but.....

   Maybe that missing plane is wherever our lost socks are??

   They just interviewed Jimmy Hoffa of Fox News about the missing plane.

   “Mom I’m bleeding”“Oh sweetie there’s" "no need to be worried it's just a sign ur becomin a woman" "Thnk God, I was really starting to get worried about this axe inmy shoulder!"

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   How much are these anti-depressants? Sir, that's a 12 pack.

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...