Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

   All these years I thought cuddling meant holding her head while she bows you.

   Just got home and found all the doors and windows open everything gone! What kind of person does that to someones Advent calender?

   I have this great midnight snack it's called, what do I think my roommate won't notice if I eat the edges off of

    If you thought your parents were strict, I was toilet trained at gunpoint.

   Humor is a great way to get a girl into your bed but handcuffs is the best way to keep her there.

   While chasing flies in my kitchen with a fly swatter, I have come to realise that some flies are more clever than some humans I know.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   85% of men don't understand Women & the balance 15% suffer from short-term memory loss!

   Ladies don't call a guy you are not romantically interested encouraging things like "babe", "love" or "hun". This is will only give the poor sods false hope.

   I saw a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   Email, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you sh*t glitter.

   When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

   Me: "Do you want to go out” Her: "Like on a date?" Me: "No...out on a bridge so I can push you off!"

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"

   According to his wife, Rolf Harris has been painting since the day of his arrest - his cell is going to look lovely! Hope you rot in hell Rolf...

   Maybe cops who plant evidence just really love gardening.

   "Here, tell me if my butthole stinks." ~cats

   England invaded us Scottish all those years ago and all you got was Michelle McManus, Men wearing skirts, fried mars bars and Asians with Scottish accent. However, we got Michelle Keegan, kelly brook, & warmer weather. Sounds like a good deal to me...