Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Facebook shutdown people would be in tears, shoving pictures of themselves in front of mirror in bathrooms and showing on people's faces yelling "DO YOU LIKE THIS?! DO YOU?!"

   Just because you're in a committed relationship, doesn't mean you can't have friends of the opposite sex.

   "The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." -- George Washington

   How sad Amy Schumer broke up with Kermit the frog.

   People that are voting for Trump because Clinton is a liar are the same type of people that smoke Camels because Marlboros cause cancer.

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your computer screen.

   beware of the "Facecrook" who keeps stealing my friends !!

   A Careless Man: What the Bush Memoir Reveals

   my mum thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your uncle just died. LOL."

   It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

   SCAM ALERT: If someone emails claiming to be your dad in heaven and needing $700 to pay a "be alive again fee".... t's a scammer not your dad.

   Christina what happen baby? It's like those fish nets caught a whale. Christina, when did you go from "genie in a bottle" to "pigs in a blanket"?

   One lesson that religion taught me is that it is important to pretend to be a nice person one day a week.

   ..is sleeping naked. I just wish that stewardess would go away. I don't care if there are children on this plane!

   wondering why noses run and feet smell?

   I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of gum

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn Facebook into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   when my girlfriend says stop when having sex, thats when it's Hammer Time

   for some people religions are like farts. Yours is good, but everyone else's stinks.

   Studies show that if you stare at woman's breasts for longer than 5 minutes...You are very likely to get a black eye.