Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This woman can cook up a storm. I think after dumping her I am going to offer her the job to be my personal chef.

   I don't even bother to look in the mirror anymore. If I do than I'll see that I should probably shave. . .

   Marriage? If I wanted to share a room with someone I'm not having sex with I'd have gone back to high-school!

   Women... Most of the time we don't get you anyway, so no need to be all covert with your weird sh*t. Just be weird and sexy.

   When she says, "No its fine, I'll just go by myself". That's pretty much the figure four leg lock of passive aggressive behavior.

   Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.

   I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

   Do these yoga pants make me look like I want to have sex with you?

   Last night I kicked off my shoes, stripped down to my boxers and laid on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn. Enjoying the experience of the new home theater system. Apparently the Best Buy salesman wanted me to take it home and try it first.

   Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...

   FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards to Jonas blizzards.

   Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose"

   It's not a real trip to the grocery store until I run into someone I know, say goodbye to them, and run into them in the very next aisle.

   Quick, someone take one for the team and fall in love with me. Happy Valentine's Day.

   You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.

   I'm beginning to understand why Syria, Raqqa 5-Star Al-Aladin VIP vacation packages are being steeply discounted....

   IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

   To those girls wearing too much makeup....Whoa calm down, it's a face not a coloring book.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch, just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   Why Women Cry: 1) Sadness. 2) Happiness. 3) ??????.