Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Married people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince spouse you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re happy

   Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.

   Voted. Now, I watch and wait to see which loser wins.

   Weather you want to face it or not heaven is real

   You know when you say "that thinga-ma-bob"? Does Bob say "that-thinga-ma-me" and when I'm talking to Bob should I say "that-things-ma-you"? In a proper setting is it "that-thinga-ma-Robert"? If 2 guys named Bob are together, do they say "that-thinga-ma-u

   "Scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages." They’re calling it “Religion.”

   thinking bush doubled out debt it 8 years......obama will double that in 2! good job america!!

   Religion is a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.

   I set my phone to airplane mode. It just now tried to charge me 20 bucks for a bag of peanuts and a Sprite.

   Scientists now say the hole in the ozone has been shrinking over the past 15 years and is no longer a problem. If Hillary won we would have been told it doubled. See why we don't trust everything we hear libtards?

   Over the past 15-years, Donald Trump has paid more for sex than he did in taxes.

   I have a name for the govt. agents that go door-to-door checking to see if you have been vaccinated: Ja-COVID Witnesses.

   loves Canada! They are like the upstairs neighbors that never get invited to the party DOWNSTAIRS!

   While cooking dinner tonight I got herbs in my eyes. I am now parsley sighted

   my son just said he just blew the ship up..."Daddy that is S..H..I..P.. not the bad word Ok"?

   Anyone wanna buy my Malaysian Airlines frequent flier miles?

   There's way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.~ George Carlin

   NFL announces no more goal dunking allowed. Oakland Raiders reply with a public statement: "No effect on us."

   Love her, Respect her, Surprise her, Never lie, Care about her, Text her first, Keep her happy, and make her feel beautiful

   honestly think Kentucky can beat a NBA team