Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just read that Stevie Wonder is filing for divorce. Talk about getting blindsided!

   Why dont you ever see people standing on corners holding homeless signs when its raining out.....Cause them muther fckers are at home

   I knew I had a serious p orn addiction when I told the turkey to "take it b itch" as I rammed the stuffing in with a closed fist.

   The reason why it's so hard to understand Rachel Jeantel at the Zimmerman trial is not because she's uneducated, it's because she has multiple necks. So it just takes a lil longer for her words to travel.

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised she didn't come with both arms raised....Have a Happy 4th of July!

   Bored??.. Text random numbers the following: The courthouse has your name in the newspaper for a failure to appear for jury duty this is the 24 hour number for you to check 714-319-7020. You're welcome! :)

   Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.

   If you only see one movie this summer, I suggest seeing more. Movies are great.

   I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks... I mean how do you not hear the music?

   When you see your girl out in public with another guy, one of yall 3 are supposed to die in that encounter.

   Ben Affleck is Batman. Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. Proves that comic books aren't gay, but movies are.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, 4 cd's, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   "The cancer was initially treatable but the x-ray tech who saw it didn't bother to report it to the proper authorities.

   If the g-string is any indicator, the g-spot is somewhere near the anus.

   i can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record, I can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record...

   "This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,to dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,for dog,20 dog,seconds dog," Now read without the word (dog)

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   I think Kanye turned the power off because Beyonce gave the best Super Bowl performance of all time.

   The weather outside is frightful! Hot sex is so delightful,theres nobody else you know, text a ho,text a ho,text a ho