Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can nail a three pointer while spinning in an office chair. You Sir, are what we call hired!"

   of course it was in the last place I looked....why would I keep looking in another place after I found it?????

   i've seen more a$$ then a toilet seat

   out making changes in his life... leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I dont get back to you - your one of the changes

   unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, I ain’t chasing sh*t

   It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   People need to stop hiding behind the cloak of religious dogma and simply focus on becoming a better person.

   Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

   What is all this talk about sacrificing grandma in order to boost the economy??? You people are sick!

   I hear tomorrow, Trump is going to plagiarize the Gettysburg address.

   Hey idiots, Donald said he's going to "cut Taxes" NOT "cut Texans"

   FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!

   The Land of the Free but don't exercise your freedoms because that's not patriotic.

   The right says Hillary Clinton is responsible for her husband. Why isn’t Melania Trump?

   "When we went to Mexico, he didn't even bring up the "wall" he choked!" -Hillary

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?