Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GUY: give me 3 packs of condoms please. CASHIER: do you need a paper bag with that sir? Guy: nah she is not that ugly.

   WHO's GUILTY?Husband n Wife r sleeping. Wife dreamin at nite suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of d window!

   Shot my first turkey yesterday. . scared the $hit out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awsome!!!

   Just saw two people together at a restaurant and neither of them were texting anyone. Weird.

   I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.

   Someone stole all my Credit Cards but, I won't be Reporting it.....The Thief spends Less than my Wife did.

   thinks he might be addicted to Facebook because he's seeing a lot of random people around the city, that he's already seen on Facebook....

   If youre cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   I Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today...... There was glitter everywhere.

   I must have an amazing butt because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, "What an Ass!"

   Just texted "I still love you" to about 50 random phone numbers.

   As a woman, I will always feel judged when buying a cucumber.

   Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions....

   u will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one

   My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.

   only popular on the internet

   Allergies: Nature's way of saying, "I know you're not sick, but I want you to feel like you are anyway!"

   During a job interview, when I get asked what my weaknesses are, I always want to say "Beautiful blondes and whiskey."