Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like it is going to be a great weekend to get some work done around the house, so I plan on getting up early, turning on SportsCenter and hope this feeling passes.

   I'm not sure what causes more destruction, a F5 tornado or my 5 year old daughter on a sugar buzz?

   I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.

   How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

   Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

   Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th.

   Aw sh!t…im the only black person in my african studies class. This could be awkward…

   if you and I always agree.......... one of us is unnecessary

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bi*ch, eating those f*cking crackers like she owns the place!”

   Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they're gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?

   After Drinking- Men talk unnecessarily,become emotional,drive badly,stop thinking, fight for nothing & make mountains out of molehills. Hats Off to Women.They can do all this without DRINKING!!!

   Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

   Cure for the economy: Send welfare checks in an envelope that can be used as a condom.

   "I'm a Barbie Girl, In the Barbie world!! Life in plasic, Its fantastic".....admit it you read this with an annoying womens voice

   I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

   GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much.

   A "Friends with benefits" in reality is telling you to your face that you're good enough to f*ck, but not good enough to invest feelings in!

   I like to stand by the elevator doors, wait until they close, turn around and say, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here."