Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!

   I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon

   If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.

   knockin' boots. Okay, maybe knockin' snow off my boots, but still.

   First the doctor gave me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me..

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer.

   On this day thirty years ago.. Mtv still played music videos.

   I was planning on procastinating today but I think I'm going to put that off until next week as well

   A picture speaks a thousand words, but with photo-shop, it tells a thousand lies

   I think Facebook needs another relationship type: Domestic Incarceration

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes

   wondering why there is a cork screw on a Swiss Army Knife. I can't remember the last time I encountered a wild bottle of Chianti in the wild..

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   Played Tiger Woods PGA Tour '10 the other day. Funny thing was that the 'cheat codes' were already put into the game.

   survived April Fools Day without being pranked, however there was a baby on my doorstep this morning, but i'm pretty sure thats unrelated.