Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't make decisions when ur angry... and don't make promises when ur happy...

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

   saving the planet by tailgating his Silverado behind a Prius.

   All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

   We text 24/7, but when we meet, it's so awkward.

   The big winners in last nights MNF debacle?.... All of the TV repair shops in Wisconsiun.

   I don't feel like doing anything today...except for you...I'd do you.

   anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower??

   thinks it'll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!

   Boring Apocalypse thus far. Seems like Ryan Seacrest should be hosting a "2012 A-Rock-Alypse Eve" show from Times Square or something.....

   Anyone know when the next end of the world is?

   A pregnant Khadarshian is the last thing the world need right now, let alone pregnant by Kanye West. Reminds me of that reproducing mother Alien in he Aliens movie.

   My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   I just found my soul mate at work. She pulled up a chair to use the water cooler. Now that's MY kinda lazy.

   How many shares of fb stock do I need to buy before I can block anyone from ever posting about going to the gym again?