Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   Headline on TMZ: "SHOCKING Nude Photos of Paris Hilton Leaked.” Seriously TMZ, if you really want to shock us, try leaking some photos of Paris reading a book

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.

   If you can't say anything nice.....we're probably related.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   Instead of a "See who is looking at your profile" application, the one the could be the most fun would be, "See who is online with their chat turned off."

   i wasnt born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   To the producers of Tylenol cherry-flavored cough syrup, HAVE you ever tasted a cherry before??

   Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to....

   Before you fall in Love with a girl with spakling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in facebook", Can I come in?

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumba$$ put my cape on backwards.”

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a "no girls allowed" sign.

   Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?

   We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.

   We can learn at least one thing from all those villains from those superhero movies. They never run from a fight, even if they knew they had no chance of winning!

   Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas" The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found" Well played, ninjas, well played

   The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve..