Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance......... The 5 stages of buying gas.

   When my ex moved out while I was at work, she took my new flat screen tv, but she couldn't find the remote. I will occasionally drive to her house around 2 am and turn the TV on and the volume all the way up. I'll give it 2 years and call us even."

   I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.

   Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and *lonely face*

   While looking at porn, "Low Battery" appears . . .Challenge Accepted

   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

   Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that.

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   She hit the brakes and I hit her, and this beautiful blond gets out and says "Ram me in the a$$ why don't you"! And here your honor is were it gets confusing

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.

   Dear Dominos Pizza, gotta question. After I rate your food directly on the box do you review the results from my garbage can?

   The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

   Guy walks out of the restroom, Girl says:"Sir your garage door is open", Guy asks:"Did you see my Harley", Girl says:"No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires"

   we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

   In hindsight, maybe two hours of being snowed in was too soon to eat my family.

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   I take a viagr@ tablet every night before I go to sleep... stops me from rolling out of bed!

   I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!