Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!

   Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.

   According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   Relax. If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.

   I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"

   Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.

   when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   When advertising your business on the side of your car it’s a good idea not to drive like a complete as&hole

   Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.