Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   wonders When did LuLuLemon become the preferred clothing line for overweight and out of shape people?

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   First trick or treater at our house is this 5 year old girl I say "What a great costume Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of my favorites" she looks confused and says "I am snooki"

   I'd be a millionaire if I could buy him for what I think of him and sell him for what he thinks of himself.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch

   Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

   No one is listening until you fart.

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   3 people everyone hates: - Anyone asking questions when a meeting is about to end - Anyone who holds the elevator for anyone - Kanye West