Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sour grapes make the very worst whine...get over it, she lost.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

   $100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, I just saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

   As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

   2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

   My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

   I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning