Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.

   Funny how the sound of a melody, brings back a memory...

   My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook.

   Yes,,, Yesterday,I let the cat out of the bag,,, But today, There's no way she's getting out of that dishwasher

   the word would be so much better if everyone stayed in the state they were born in

   Had a nightmare that I was married.

   I envy a gay man's ability to not be lured to shipwreck by a nice pair of breasts.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   you aren't single because of your high standards. You're single because you're fugly...

   its amazing how fast my phone is now that I removed the NFL app.

   ... Former UN President John Ashe “accidentally” crushed his own throat and died coincidentally a week before he was scheduled to testify against Bill and Hillary Clinton. HA ... More like Accidentally on purpose if you ask me!!!

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?