Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel sorry for people who don't drink; when they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

   next time I get in a relationship I'm gonna ask better questions like "Do you have cacaroaches in your house? Do you have a job? Do you like to milk men for all they got? And do you know how to cook anything other than Hot Pockets? Did you graduate?"

   ..can't wait for a nice English summer. The warmth,the sun,the clear blue skies..it will be a nice couple of days...

   What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

   she's got an A$$ that will make a grown man do the dishes!

   loves to give false and misleading information to gossipers... it messes them up and makes them look ridiculously stupid! hahaha

   It tastes like I coughed up blood...hello liver damage, I've been expecting you

   Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.

   Copywight 2010 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

   the most confident when naked, too bad I can't be naked in front of my interviewers.

   Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

   If New things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.

   OK Santa I followed your stupid rules all year...it was hard not killing anyone or punching anyone in the face but I did it.....so If Milla Jovovich isn't under my tree this year you'll be first on the hit list Fat Man!

   Your boss is coming! Log off now!!

   A friend in Arizona was about to roll a joint but was busted because he didn't have any papers

   I wonder if I shipped off a couple of Gold Fish to Cash for Gold,, would I get any $$$$?

   This is today 8====> and this is me (_!_)

   Speed remake idea: In this version you can't EXCEED 30mph, Keanu is an old Asian lady, the bus is the car ahead of me, and it's not a movie.

   Wanna help me test out my new guillotine? I'll do all the hard work, you can just lie there...

   The worst part about watching porn on your smart phone is getting interrupted by texts from your mother...