Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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just thrown out of church: I put $100 in the offering plate and the Priest was so excited he asked me to come up front and pick three hymns. I replied, <pointing> I'll take him… and him… and him…. 
found the woman of his dreams, and as soon as the restraining order is lifted....he'll have her panties to prove it.
it takes a lot of balls to golf like I do
The alphabet is a lot like life, except in life we don't like to mention our X's
loves to watch Men's iceskating - once every four years.
Why get stuck with the whole pig just for a little sausage?
no easter bunnies were harmed in the making of this status
just realized there's Amish people living at the end of my street. There's a sign down there that says "No Outlet"
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile
staring at goats.
Makeover?? Honey you need to be ran over!!
A recent CNN poll shows that 53% of Americans don't believe Obama to be honest or trustworthy. The other 47% of Americans weren't polled.
I used to be Pro Life until I found out Kim Kardashian was pregnant!
Chinese couple's wedding night. Time for sex. The bride asks the husband what he wants. He says, "69". She says, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"
Hell is Where: the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.
19 people died in Chicago this week from Covid-related gunshot wounds. They will be voting by mail.
Jason Collins is the best ball handler in the NBA...
We get MLK Day off but not Good Friday...Dying for a dream trumps dying for our sins!
When are people going to start arming themselves? This is stupid people getting to shoot at you without getting shot at.
Volkswagen has gotten itself into trouble for falsifying data. Apparently this is not the first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying about gas emissions. 