Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

   Today we celebrate Martin Luther King by schools and offices closing, no mail or banking. Tomorrow is Ben Franklin's birthday. Will we celebrate by not having electricity? Just wondering.

   Some of you women need to stop using shovels to apply makeup.

   I’ve been chatting online with a 14-year-old girl. Really flirty and sexy. Then she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

   You know your girlfriend is horny when you put your hand up her skirt and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

   This government shutdown is not as complete or thorough as some might expect. NPR, C-Span, PBS, CNN and MSNBC are still on...

   My wife likes to talk during sex. Stuff like: "Why is the bathroom door locked?!?" and "What are you doing in there?"

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

   If you just came out of a one year coma, and everyone was telling you that Trump was the GOP nominee for President, you would be convinced you were on some kind of hidden camera prank show.

   A secret handshake will get you into the "Beyond" section of Bed Bath & Beyond. Includes videogames, beer & lightsabers. Ask for Steve.

   At some point you outgrow feelings and you outgrow people. Its nothing personal. Its part of human nature. As much as we would want it to, nothing lasts forever.

   Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.

   When my phone dies and I don’t have a charger, I might as well be Amish.

   Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   I can understand the right to protest. What I don't understand is why everyone had Christmas Lists in their hands. Oh yeah..... Looting Monday.....

   Ugh! Left my purse in the car and now I have to deal with the Polar Kotex!

   a proud member of the 97% who won't copy & paste chain status updates.

   "Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."

   Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces

   can't believe he was snubbed again this year for "Sexiest Man Alive" title...Damn you Johnny Depp.