Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blind belief is so often the death of reason.

   Be careful driving out there.This time of year, black ice matters.

   How many animals can you fit inside a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a sh1tload of hares, 1 camel toe and a fish nobody can find!!

   may not be smarter than a 5th grader but for sure smarter than a 4th grader

   if nothing goes right for you .... Go left!

   Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your d**k look small.

   The Patriots defensive scheme worked almost as well as the Obamacare website.

   You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......

   First Lady Gaga shows up at the VMAs covered in meat. Then arrives at the Grammys in an egg. She's only about two red carpets away from being a Denny's Grand Slam.

   bet Oprah's pissed she pre-recorded her interview with Obama last week to air today.

   My son told me his medium wings were too hot... Now he has to wear the Tampon of Shame necklace for the rest of the day......... Thems the rules

   Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not.

   I am sure that in alcohol are female hormones. When I drink I talk too much and dont know how to drive.

   I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way. Through the driver's door.

   Monica Lewinsky is writing a tell-all book. I bet it's going to suck.

   all the kids wearing hoodies instead of costumes this Halloween are getting skittles, it's what trayvon would have wanted

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN damn mouth!"

   so....has anyone else ever noticed....that Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born....I guess Kurt knew....