Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   men are the head of the household and women should realize it.Men rule the house! Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go to the store and get my wife some tampons like she asked me or she's going to get angry.

   Once upon a time, GIRLS used to cook like their mothers,but now they drink like their Fathers...!!!

   Sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to disagree?.. I've travelled the world and ate 7 peas... Everybody's lookin fo Dunkin...

   The chemicals released in your brain during sex are the same as when you see someone trip while taking a selfie.

   Sex,drugs & rock n roll are all very well, but nothing beats a nice cup of tea.

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers...

   Instead of "Build Back Better" How about "Put it Back Together" the way it was?!

   People who squirt Ketchup all over their fries instead of dipping them are not people you want in your life.

   Blizzard Survival Tip: If anyone in your household makes a "global warming" reference, throw them outside. It's the only way they'll learn.....

   And this morning a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with New England Patriots Super Bowl XLVI Champions gear.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of da road I'm going to leave & come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign says, "Help, need ride"

   Tiger's wife is willing to forgive him if he changes his name to Cheatah.

   I asked this asian lady what she wanted to drink. She said: "Aren't you so nice." I said, "Well, thanks! So nothing to drink?" She said: "ORANGE JUICE NO ICE!"

   Hard Nipple season has arrived! Thank you Mr. Jack Frost. Well played sir!

   i thought I saw you today, but as I got closer, I realised it was a trash can

   molested herself last night , she tried to say no , but she knew she wanted it .

   The only solution to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Banning guns is not the solution.

   Thank God International Women's Day is only once per year. I don't think I can do a second day, in the year, without someone bringing me a sandwich.

   Got my passport application forms back today. Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer!!!

   throwing skittles at people and yelling "TASTE THE FLIPPIN RAINBOW''