Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love hot yoga because it's over 100 degrees with someone yelling at you. It's like growing up Italian in Florida.

   When any woman says, "That garbage can is full" she isn't challenging me to fit more in. She means empty the garbage.

   People who swear a lot tend to be more honest, upfront, and loyal with their friends, partners and family. I find this fact offensive.

   Pleasant, 40ish, female seeks zany caper. Skills include the ability to identify ideas that are so crazy, they just might work.

   Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

   I asked my dry cleaners if they accepted credit cards and they said yes and then I asked if by chance they accepted declined credit cards.

   Antibiotics could be considered a performance enhancing drug at this year's Olympics.

   *Whispers "we should run away together" while petting the neighbor's dog*

   I think I just caught Scott Stapp on Pokemon Go.

   Out of all my hobbies, killing brain cells is probably my favorite one.

   Brazil tie with South Africa 0-0 in soccer at Rio Olympics. Not to worry, though: EVERYONE goes home with a free Zika virus.

   Water polo? How do they prevent the horses from drowning?

   Oh you dont like your job, there's a support group for that, it's called Everyone...and they meet at the bar

   Bearded Dragons are just hipster reptiles.

   Would someone go to the kitchen and bring me some Doritos? I'm busy yelling at world class Olympic athletes to swim faster.

   I know 5 people who are clinically insane , I'm 2 of them

   Only 4 more months until Ryan Lochte comes down the chimney and brings us all presents.

   Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

   Well, if you don't shop at Walmart, where do you buy your hotdog flavored potato chips?

   I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.