Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   run with wolves and you'll howl, associate with eagles and you'll soar!!

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   If I was a bird, I know who I would $h!t on

   I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.

   I am no Miss Williams but I know how to handle balls.

   This Cottage cheese needs something. Like a burger and fries.

   Are you really leaving or are you just trying to brighten up my day?

   still grounded for being awesome

   Guys that take Yoga classes need their man card taken away and shoved up their ass. Oh, nevermind... they'd probably just bend over and pick it out with their teeth.

   My wife just shouted from another room "can you come to the phone" I shouted back "what sort of distance are we talking"

   You never realize what you have until it's gone...toilet paper is a prime example!

   I tried to end this farce of a life by jumping off a bridge only to discover that I can fly

   My favorite button on Facebook is the one that says “not now.” The world needs more buttons like that.

   Starting a hammock company for kids called "Kid-Naps" ........and maybe need to rethink some things....... :-(

   Every car should blast out the Back To The Future theme when they hit 88mph

   I'm not afraid of stupid people. I'm afraid of intelligent people with stupid ideas.

   I wonder if Tom Cruise is jumpin on the couch again since he's getting a divorce.

   Always insult accurately. Calling one a douchebag implies the ability to get near a v@gina.

   I think marriages should be called "pre-divorces". Sounds classier.

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.