Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot

   Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as "really nice" people. Who else is a "really nice" neighbor? Canada. I'm just sayin'

   I'm not a stalker, I'm just a self-appointed and unpaid private investigator.

   [job interview] *removes ear bud* yo, what's the wifi password up in here

   Miley Cyrus has been out of the news for a while, so you can knock it of now ISIS.

   If you ever see a "26.2" or "13.1" sticker on my truck window, report it stolen.

   I have to sit in the passenger seat of a car driven by a 16 yr old with a learner's permit you don't scare me.

   Ice cubes just get in the way when your drinking becomes serious.

   Lasagna is a whol elot better once you realize its actually a noodle layer cake with meat filling and cheese frosting.

   I'm in it for the long run, as long as running isn't involved.

   When I have a bad day, I remind myself that beer exists.

   For best results use like way more than directed by your physician.

   Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account...

   If you're happy and you know it, don't stop drinking.

   Every morning I try something new, but only because the coffee barista cannot get my order right.

   since when did "Thats above my pay grade...." has become the acceptable answer at Mcdonalds?

   To hell with the over-the-top flowers. Just tell her you are sorry and mean it.

   Getting a clementine full of seeds is like getting a piece of fish full of bones.

   "Get off of Facebook and put clothes on." Is a thing I had to tell myself just now.

   Sometimes I wake up and just know I'm going to need bail money.