Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."

   You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers

   Finally, OJ can go after Nicole's murderer.

   forget senior discounts..Oj can get free stuff just buy saying something like "I'd kill to have some coffee right now"

   No need to drive me crazy, I can walk from here.

   Someone asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave them a glass of water.

   I'm not worried about the hurricane. Trump will stop it.

   I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best meds in the world, but they’re right up there.

   This world is seriously messed up. Tom Petty died while Justin Bieber is still alive and well.

   Don’t be shy, even cats lick each other.

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   Based on the amount of money in my retirement account I have no objection to them raising the retirement age to 247.

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.