Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.

   Men who don’t understand women fall into two categories: Bachelors and Husbands.

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   I only work out to stay just skinnier than the guy at the bar next to me...

   We all spend that extra minute or two brushing on the day of your dentist appointment...

   Pimpin' actually is pretty easy and I'm getting tired of everyone saying otherwise.

   Every time someone walks by my desk I make sure to have the Hooters website up just so no one thinks I'm a nerd doing work.

   You should send every tweet like its your last...and the rest of us will pray that it is.

   They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.

   if any body needs me I will be over here waiting for football season

   For me being adventurous is dating a girl who doesn't shave her legs!

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?

   "If you take a look at all the previous US Presidents, what could I do worse" - Frank Zappa

   Listening intently... Listening intently... Listening intently... "... and then my boyfriend..." Dead to me.

   I have abad feeling we're going to pay for Taylor Swift's poor Grammy results...

   The best part of Valentine"s day is no more Vermont teddy bear BIG HUNKA LOVE BEAR commercials.

   Maybe homeless people are just hardcore campers.

   i keep getting all these popups...if this lasts 4 hours, I'm gonna have to visit WebMD