Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"

   Just so you know the new rules to CPR,,,, there's no more blowing, just pumping,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know,, It's like the romance is gone

   This is going to make Thanksgiving uncomfortable next year at the Harbaugh house.

   Girls, holding in your farts has got to be an even more nerve wrecking dilemma when your man is spooning you right?

   I love Facebook because I can't afford gas for my car anymore so it's the only way I can visit with anyone now.

   Some call it "being naive", I call it "just not caring enough to look into it any further" ...

   I like my women like I like my ribs. Sticky and all over my fingers.

   Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.

   If you think about it, did Gary Busey really survive that traumatic brain injury?

   wasn't Fellatio one of the Three Musketeers?

   My signature move has been foiled by carpal tunnel and tennis elbow.

   So the Kanye West sex tape has been leaked... It's just footage of Kanye wanking while looking at his own reflection in a mirror.

   People hate pigeons because "they are dirty and spread diseases" but the Kardashians and the cast of Jersey Shore do it and pigeons don't hate them....just sayin

   My boss just called me an a$$hole and said I never listen. I have no idea why, I made his coffee with two teaspoons of salt like he asked.

   Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

   As a man I accomplish 2 things well, 1. Fix things 2. Piss women off for trying to fix everything

   Whenever I attend a wedding, to truly celebrate the anticipated short duration of the marriage, I throw Minute Rice.

   Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.

   It's not cheating if she's there too.

   Hey, how about making a normal face when you sing?