Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

   I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

   Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option

   I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

   If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal you.

   If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my winnings is hiring Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.

   Love is a sacred thing meant just for two. But there's always that one slut who doesn't know how to count.

   I feel bad for kids nowadays that see a cool new toy on tv that they want, but have no way of getting, because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.

   I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want.!

   WELCOME TO FACEBOOK, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe they are telling the truth, & the WORLD shows off they are living a great life; where your ENEMIES are the ones that visit your profile the most, your FRIENDS & FAMILY block you

   Kim Kardashian wants her bachelorette party to be low key, just an E! camera crew and 100 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   if you tickle my feet I am not responsible for what happens to your face....

   I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

   Seriously, iPhone...Stop correcting all my 'F#CK"s to "DUCK"s. It makes my Strongly-worded texts sound Cute and Adorable...

   If you're tired of everyone's FB status telling you to copy and paste their status as your status, copy this and paste it as your status.

   has developed his own H1N1 Vaccine consisting of: NyQuil, Tylenol-3, Vodka, Rohypnol, Benadryl, OxyContin, Spiced Rum and a hint of Lemon. ---Directions: Drink One Full Glass every hour to Remove all Care and Worry about the H1N1 virus.....

   When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his junk and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows new junk. If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves I don't know what is.

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.