Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

   Attention Walmart shoppers... If you where on the bottom of the pyramid at cheer leading practice, you should not be wearing yoga pants. Thank You.

   We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now

   During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering

   I just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me.......

   Somehow, hitting the 'end call' button on the cell phone just doesn't feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.

   I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!

   don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

   I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.

   Honestly, I love every single some of you.

   If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard