Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feisty & Non compliant, can I get a behavior plan over here?

   Shouldn't those polar bears have diabetes by now???? #tooMuchCoke

   You must hate it when people make assumptions about you.

   The best thing about Valentine's day being over next week will be no more Vermont teddy bear commercials.

   I could have lived forever without knowing grandpa had a 'dong down to his knees' but thanks for the visual grandma.

   my phone battery dies faster than a slut in a horror movie

   My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.

   I haven't been laid in such a long time that my virginity is beginning to grow back.

   "Kill confirmed." ... "Grandma please, not at the funeral." -_-

   I guess if you spoke your mind you wouldn't have much to say....

   I'm fine" -All pissed off girls

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   Has A Bigger Possibility Getting Killed On My Way To Buy A Megamillion Ticket Than Winning It

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw"

   How many times do I have to roll my eyes to burn any calories?

   stopping by the Wachovia bank yesterday to exchange money. The teller asked me to fix all the bills to face the same way and straight 'em out while chit-chatted with her co-worker. WTF was her job description say?

   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Amy Winehouse is 27 today...her liver is lookin like 63