Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   False hope is the only thing that gets me through the day

   Just on Facebook to see what's going on, so I won't be surprised by CNN's Breaking News.

   Troubles keep me interested in my life :)

   I hope all of Osama's 72 virgins look and sound like Justin Bieber!!

   thinking between the death of Osama bin Laden and the marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business!!!!

   I judge women by how comfortable their shoes are.

   You really don't know a person until you realize they don't know how to spelle

   I personally think that Hank Jr is just laying the groundwork for a stint on Dancing With the Stars........

   I think it's kinda creepy that Facebook tells everyone where you are on every post.

   If I was a doctor, I'd be so paranoid about catching all the diseases I know about.

   If “Oscar De La Toya Jackson” isn't the best drag queen name ever, then I don't know what I'm doing in these heels and boxing gloves anymore.

   An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good!

   I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

   our life should be like a COMPUTER so we can maintain it by keeping only useful files n delete or format the corrupted files

   The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!"

   Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree

   best way to start a day is with a happy ending!!

   No one is as ugly as his driver's license, nor as good-looking as his Facebook profile pic.

   In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead....

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.