Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just pooped at my girlfriend's house for the first time, and now I'm single again.

   if your morning beverage isn't half booze/half coffee, you're doing Saturday wrong...

   Oww a dorito just stabbed the roof of my mouth...how could something I love so much hurt me like this.

   Some people need to write a book, rather then tell Facebook.

   I’m having potato salad for lunch. Well, potatoes and olives. Fermented potatoes. I’m having a vodka martini for lunch.

   I've met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the cactus.

   My art teacher asked me to draw a chameleon... I submitted a blank page.

   Just saw a big gal's tramp stamp when she bent over. I'm not sure if it was a butterfly or a pterodactyl.

   I'm really on the fence with this election coming up. I wish people would post more on Facebook to help me make this difficult decision easier said no one ever.

   After he stops crying, can I try again, I promise I can juggle babies.

   Hey Justin Beaver!!! Vanilla Ice called.......he wants his hair back

   Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to you?

   Hey Holidays,,,, either start later or get more songs.

   DNS FAILURE: Facebook is down which means 9 months from today, many children will be born.

   Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend at monday !!

   The worst things in life are also free.

   true friends stab you in the front.

   thinks one trip to Wal Mart may cause an intelligent person to start questioning the theory of evolution.

   my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."

   I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.