Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   Retail Stores: "It's September 1st! Time to put out all the Christmas crap...."

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear and jacket and tie and it can be formal.

   I can't wait for self driving cars to come out so I can finally say ; Go home car I'm drunk

   Sorry I spilled beer on your baby.

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   I wouldn't take a bullet for someone because taking something that's not yours is called stealing and that just ain't me son.

   Just made my CVS receipt from purchasing a single pack of gum into an entire "Roll of Toilet Paper"

   I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

   Why aren't there more rap songs about being well mannered and generously tipping your waiter?

   Perhaps it's about time to ask Bernie Sanders what American life was really like back in 1776.

   If Hillary gets elected, Bill will be the ugliest first lady ever.

   My granddaughter gets up at night and goes to the bathroom all by herself and everyone is so proud. I do that four times a night and nobody says squat.

   "Well, now I see how you cam up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   Interviewer: Do you have a police record. Me: No, but I do have a couple of their CD's. *gets hired on the spot*

   Susan,, Don't give those gdamn ducks our bread,, they're just going to use it to buy drugs...

   my Wife is busy oiling up all the wood in the house. I like where this is going.

   If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table.

   I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.