Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

   Teacher: where is your homework? Student: I uploaded it on Facebook and I tagged you in it.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

   She said "I think we should see other people." What I heard was "I already have a guy who's been on reserve for months."

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

   didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

   If strippers are now called exotic dancers... Then all drug dealers should be referred to as exotic pharmacists

   A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."

   The Cowboys just signed a "No Super Bowl for six more years" contract today

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.

   People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.

   Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

   Yes there's plenty of fish in the sea, but don't forget about the sharks, seaweed, oil spills, toxic waste and the Somali pirates.

   Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving...

   Why is it I cant get a mobile reception in my house in town, yet a terrorist can upload his vids from a cave in Afganistan? Is there a terrorist mobile tariff I can go on??

   Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

   My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”